Guitar Hero

I delete the voicemail before I finish listening to it,

"I"m really sorry Kate, it's a money issue..."

click.

I call my manager..prrroobably 13 times in a row. Finally he answers. And I inevitably over react.

"IT WAS PRINTED IN TWO NEWSPAPERS WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY LOST THEIR SPONSERS. I'M GOING TO TEXAS, I DON'T CARE IF I HAVE TO SING AT A SCHOOL, OR FLY DOWN THERE AND SIT ON MY ASS FOR 5 DAYS. I'M GOING TO TEXAS."

Unbelievable. Texas Motor Speedway, cancelled. My manager asked me not to post on my music sites that it's not happening, because everything else still is, just not the one, main, huge, show. Cool. Glad I went around telling everyone about it. I log into my facebook...cancel event...delete poster...log into reverbnation, cancel event....kateturnermusic.com...cancel event...ourstage..edit EPK..cancel event...I hate this. How stupid. At least there's still the Cowboy Stadium...and the Jimmie Van Zant concert...if my manager can find a new venue.

Apparently the non profit organization got a little in over their heads with some of the names they wanted to bring in, and if you know anything about the Texas Motor Speedway...its..freaking..huge. blah blah budget..blah blah ticket sales..blah blah sponserts blah blah ipso facto- cancelled. Now I look like a moron. Oh well, I'll keep it on the low until I know for sure whats going on. Whatever I still have Louisiana..hopefully..and the big show at the mall..hopefully

I check my email, the chick from Simon Malls emailed me about Mom's Night Out event. They have their own state of the art PA and are providing a sound guy..boom. National event = professional. She sends me a copy of the insurance coverage they need from me. To be featured at the mall, as entertainment for their National Mom's Night Out, I have to have a 2 MILLION dollar insurance policy. I call the mall lady.

"How many people do you think you can draw?"

"Uhhh not 2 million dollars worth."

giggle giggle "Well we just need to protect ourselves you know we wanna make sure there aren't TOO many people and we don't have enough security etc."

It's not a Justin Bieber concert in the mall, it's a mother's day thing and it's me, I swear there won't be TOO many people..

"Well I don't think you need to worry about any riots."

I call my insurance agent...

"You need it for HOW much? OH MY GOD"

"Uh ya, well call me back...let me know what we can do..."

I have a voicemail from the owner at Dax's. I call her back, we schedule a show, June 2nd. I normally don't get to book things for myself too far in advance now, my manager tells me what weekends I can book, and which ones I have to keep open for potential out of town gigs.

I'm still so MAD about Texas. I'm not going to tell anyone, why try and explain it, I sound stupid. Don't tell dad, he'll have something pessimistic and annoyed to say. Don't need that. I get to practice at 6...just Bill and Rob are here so far...I ask if the new guitar player is coming. We forgot to tell him we moved practice last week. Anyway, he seemed cool, at this point I just wanted a steady reliable lead player and it has seemed impossible.

"I need to talk to you about that, Kate"

"NO...what..no..is it bad"

"Look it's just not going to work out..I hate to say this, I didn't even want to tell you but I talked to him today and he's just not comfortable with our situation."

"WHAT...he told me what a great singer I was...WHAT SITUATION?"

"He's not comfortable with a female fronted band"

I don't even say anything at first. There are no words. Since July, I have had 6 lead players. SIX. Scotty, Caleb, Nick, Jeremy, some old dude who's name I can't remember because he only played one show..and now, (he who shall remain nameless). Not all have left for bad reasons by any means, some of them I still love dearly. But I've had the dudes who want to solo over my lyrics in every song, the dudes who think we should do more rock covers, the dude who thinks he should get to tell me how to write my songs..the dude who thinks he should get paid more...the dude who just doesn't have time between ALL THE BANDS WHO ARE JUST BEGGING HIM TO JOIN...I've had them all. I gotta stop booking semi-important shows. Everytime I have something big booked, another one bites the dust. Today blows.

My mom starts texting me, I take it as a personal attack since I've been grumpy all day about Texas and now I'm on the verge of a breakdown over my sexist guitar player. I over react, for the second time today, I just cannot believe all of this. The rest of the band pow wow about what to do next. I am still text fighting my mom. I have completely checked out of rehearsal. I just want to go home. How, and who are we going to get on such short notice to learn THREE HOURS of music for this mall show? What about Dax's? I'm not cancelling another show. I feel like I'm going to throw up.

Female fronted band? Is he serious? I've dealt with that before, like this is 1954 and I'm a housewife trying to start a band. Some venues won't book me because of it..isn't that insane? Isn't it stupid that there are bars around here that "prefer" not to have female fronted bands? Rob tries to make me feel better by talking about how ridiculous people are. How some people don't take it seriously...take it seriously? Oh I'm sorry middle aged guitar player doing gigs with his buddies at dive bars covering 80's butt rock songs, did you have something more serious going on..more legit than someone writing and performing original music, doing national shows and trying to do something different and on another level. No you don't, but I'm a girl and I'm younger than you, and you're supposed to play the songs I give you and this isn't about you, and you don't get to sing your favorite Bret Michaels song at any of the shows because this is about me, and poor manly you, can't handle that. Grow up.

The band starts going through the set list. I think I'm crying? yep. crying. My voice cracks, I wipe my face and  look around the room...no one noticed..no one saw me get upset. I can't look weak. Hard enough to get people to take me seriously, crying's just gonna make it worse. Can I just have reliable people in my life? Can I have shows not get cancelled, can I keep ONE DAMN guitar player for longer than two weeks. Can I not get mad at my mom for wanting my attention? Can I not have a mental breakdown at rehearsal. Can I not be broke working at a bar? Can I not go around promoting my "tour" and have it fall apart? Can I pull off my biggest local show without a guitar player? Can I afford to pay for another musician? For the 100th time in the last year I think...what the hell am I doing with my life. The band finishes another song...we end up practicing for a few hours even though I make 37 comments about how I just want to stop.

I text Brook at the studio and ask him for Joe Smart's number. He did all of my studio work, he is...the shit. I leave him a voice mail, begging him to do me this huge favor. Hopefully he won't be busy, he works for..everyone, plays for everyone, the kind of guy that I know I can throw 30 songs at and he can show up the day of the show and just freaking be perfect. So much for me getting paid for this show..I would give him my first born if he got me out of this jam.

"Uh ya I don't think I have anything that day, on Friday I do, but not Thursday..what are you doing a couple songs?"

"Uhhhhh no...its...two hours.."

"OH...ha..wow ok. Well.."

"Look I know this is last minute, but there's no one else around here that I'd be comfortable with, this show is a big deal for me and I want it to be professional sounding, and there's not time for me to bring someone in and walk them through this set list, it's too much music, you don't even have to show up to rehearsal, I'm one hundred percent confident you can show up the day of and be fine."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence...ok send me your set list, are you doing the song I'm recording for you tomorrow?"

"Bring me down? ya, it's on there"

"Ok I'll pay attention to that one then."

I call Bill...pumped, I send Joe the tentative set list and all my scratch tracks of the originals. YES. Thank God. This is why I'm doing this with my life. Because it's freaking cool.